By Emily Perlman Abedon
| In a recent Saturday morning, I sat in a sunny window seat drinking a cup of coffee while my daughters, Zoe, 4; Tess, 2; and Bailey, 8 months, played quietly nearby. Suddenly, that dreaded word — “Mine!” — shattered the peace. Screaming and crying, Zoe and Tess struggled over a six-inch stuffed monkey. I jumped up and shouted for them to cut it out. Later, I could have kicked myself for the bad example I had set by yelling in order to stop their yelling.Like most parents, I want my children to be best friends when they grow up, and I hope they’ll always be there for one another. I also understand that most sibling fights are normal. Brothers and sisters disagree about once every five minutes when they’re playing together, says Paul Kropp, a father of five and author of I’ll Be the Parent, You Be the Child (Fisher Books, 2001).
By thinking ahead and using positive discipline techniques, you can keep these disputes from turning into nasty battles and encourage a stronger bond between your kids. |
Parents often mistakenly believe that most of their kids’ fights are about which child Mommy or Daddy loves best. The truth is, as many as 90 percent of sibling conflicts spring from other causes, says Sybil Hart, Ph.D., author of Preventing Sibling Rivalry (The Free Press, 2001). What may sound like jealousy — “No fair! I want to sit in Mommy’s lap now!”– may simply be a child’s way of saying, “I love you, too, Mommy.”
| Other common causes range from the obvious, such as hunger and fatigue, to more hidden ones: A bad day at school may be the real reason a child shoves his brother. Boredom is another trigger. It can be fun to tease a sibling when there’s nothing else to do. Just ask 6-year-old Benjamin Perlman, of Randolph, New Jersey. He sometimes stands in front of the TV while his 4-year-old brother, Matthew, is watching it, just to bug him. “If I help Ben find something to do, he stops annoying his little brother” says their mother, Laurice.A desire to stake out an identity spurs other seemingly petty squabbles. A child who taunts her sister for being a crybaby may be subtly showing off how cool she is in contrast.
Then there are developmental differences. Liam Geduldig, 4, and his sister, Anna, 8, argued recently over bragging — a habit that Anna has learned to avoid but that her brother has not. “Liam, who had stayed home sick, boasted to his sister, ‘I got to watch TV! I got to eat Popsicles!’ ” recalls their mom, Clare, of New York City. “Anna shot back, ‘You’re bragging!’ and their fight took off.” |
Some sibling conflicts are pure power plays. A showdown over who loaded the dishwasher last may be one child’s way of announcing to the other, “You’re not my boss!” Nancy Holmes, of Nantucket, Massachusetts, recently witnessed such a struggle. Her 7-year-old daughter, Erin, set the table with place cards one night, just for fun. But 11-year-old Gerry refused to sit in his assigned seat — reducing Erin to tears. “Gerry said it was a stupid idea,” their mother says. “But I know he refused just because it was Erin’s idea.”
| The first step to minimizing your kids’ fighting is to look for a cause, and a pattern may be your best clue. For weeks, my daughters Zoe and Tess fought on the way home from their morning preschool. Finally, I realized they were probably hungry after a long morning. By handing out a healthy snack, I cut their bickering in half.Stephanie Hunt, of Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina, pegged her children’s squabbling on competition: “My 5-year-old and 8-year-old are constantly jockeying to establish who’s ‘better’ or to get each other in trouble,”she says. “It reminded me of the one-upmanship that used to go on between me and my sister.”
For this sort of situation, try channeling the competitiveness in a more healthy direction. For example, encourage each child to aim for a personal best at something she loves, whether it’s shooting baskets outside or building block towers. |
If a child’s anger often seems completely out of proportion to the cause, something more serious may be bothering him. For instance, if a child whose parents are divorcing constantly picks fights with a sibling, he may actually be angry at his mom or dad.
| In general, the more you can get your children to solve their own conflicts, the better off your whole family will be. By learning how to negotiate and compromise with one another, your kids will strengthen their social and communication skills. “Siblings in conflict are discovering how to be good winners and good losers,” Kropp says. In fact, research suggests that learning to co-operate helps siblings form strong relationships with their friends.This takes patience on your part. Stay nearby when trouble is brewing, and give your kids a smile of approval if they work out a solution. If they can’t, try guiding them with questions: “What can you do instead of hitting?”or “Can you think of something else to share?” With younger kids, don’t be afraid to help them articulate their ideas. “The next time, they may remember to say, ‘I’ll let you play with this toy soon,’ instead of pulling the toy away,” Dr. Hart says.You’ll have to intervene, of course, if a fight becomes malicious or physical. Just avoid choosing sides. “It can be very difficult to determine which child is the instigator,” says Sylvia B. Rimm, Ph.D., a child psychologist and author of How Jane Won (Crown Publishers, 2001). Your kids’ personality differences can add to the confusion. A sensitive child might come to you screaming after his sister shoots him one goofy glance. A more resilient child might take a slew of insults and then slug her brother. “Often, it’s better to declare a cease-fire than to get in the middle of their battles,” Kropp says. |
If, as a last resort, you need to give an executive order, avoid vague statements such as “Play nicely” or “Please get along,” Dr. Hart advises. Instead, spell out your expectations: “You get up to bat for four pitches, then you.” “It’s fine to tell your kids, ‘This is how it’s going to be,’ as long as you’ve made an effort to be fair,” she says.
| Here are a few other tactics that will help you keep the peace.Set standards. Create house rules of conduct, such as “No hitting”and “No calling anyone ’stupid.’” Then, during a fight, you can fairly discipline whoever broke a rule.
Break it up. Sometimes threatening your children with a separation works wonders. Saying, “You have five minutes to settle this, or you’ll have to stop playing together” may be all you need. If you do have to follow through, keep the separation short.
Don’t try to force togetherness. Ordering your kids to play with one another when they don’t want to only builds resentment, Kropp says. And encourage — don’t force — your kids to share their possessions. |
| Look for lessons. Once a situation cools down, have your children take turns examining their feelings, recommends Brenda Hunter, Ph.D., author of The Power of Mother Love (WaterBrook Press, 1998). Ask them, “What could you do next time so you both don’t feel bad?” Help your kids see that being considerate feels good.Spread the word. Whenever your children work out things on their own, make sure they know you’ve noticed. Praise them to your spouse when they negotiate well, Dr. Rimm suggests. “You’ll reinforce the idea that cooperation wins approval.”
Find other ways to encourage thoughtfulness. After one couple started asking each child at dinner what nice thing he did for someone else that day, their four kids began treating each other more kindly.
With these strategies, you’ll discipline effectively and nurture your kids’ relationships, which ultimately means less rivalry and more revelry.
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