By Karen Levine (Parents Magazine, March 2001)
Most parents think that they know their child inside and out. But ask kids whether their parents know what’s really going on in their lives and the answer is really no. Parents do not usually have any clue who their friends are, how they spent their money and time when they are not together, whether the parties they go to are chaperoned, whether there was alcohol and cigarettes are available at those parties.
Parents need to know their preteens before it’s too late. Yet, they are faced with a dilemma: this is the age when we give the kids more autonomy than ever before for them to learn things in their own way but then, it is at this age when they start to experiment and may become involved in dangerous behavior. The stakes are higher and sometimes, they are less prepared to face the dangers that lie ahead and make wise decisions. It is crucial to know what is going on. The challenge is to become a friend rather than a spy.
These children really do want their parents to become involved. Sometimes, they act as if they can do things their own but inside, they are aware that they need guidance.
There are several ways to stay connected with them without intruding:
· SHOW THEM PHYSICAL AFFECTION
Parents sometimes rarely show physical affection to tweens (this is the new term to call children entering adolescent stage or those who we refer to as preteens). When parents are physically affectionate, children open up easily to them. Remember, however, that hugs and kisses are most welcome in the privacy of your home because at this stage, they sometimes get embarrassed when they are seen by friends being kissed or hugged by mom or dad.
STAY INVOLVED IN THEIR EDUCATION
Now is the time to really get involved and maintain a regular physical presence in the preteen’s school activities. For them, school is their world at this stage. The more familiar parents are with their world the teachers, their friends, their activities, the easier it is to spot and stop any potential trouble.
TEACH THEM TO SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS
When these tweens talk about their concerns, schoolwork, friends and other problems, parents sometimes have an impulse to jump in and save them. Parents have to resist that urge in order for their children to figure out how to solve problems on their own to be more confident. As help, parents can ask questions and/or help their children come up with solutions. This will make way for an open communication between parents and child as well as provide insights on how the child thinks. This will also prove to them that parents are concerned and are there to give support.
SNOOP WITH CAUTION AND SENSITIVITY
Privacy is very important at this age and whenever possible, parents should respect that. There are times, however, when privacy becomes secondary to the issue of safety. If a child is acting strange, is or has been in trouble, is having low grades, parents have a responsibility to find out the reasons. If such situation will lead parents to search the child’s bedroom and things, then that what they should do. Parents should remember to be prepared for what they will discover. Angry confrontation, if there are nasty information/details seen will not be good with parents-child relationship. It is important to create a situation wherein the child will be able to tell something about what is troubling him/her. It is always the child’s protection and/or safety that is a priority.
BECOME A FLY ON THE WALL
Parents should look for situations wherein they can listen to the conversation without making it look like spying or eavesdropping. Tweens should be encouraged to invite friends along on family outings or gatherings. Children will exhibit behaviors with their friends that parents sometimes won’t see when they are with family members. Whenever possible, volunteer to drive or chaperone your child and his friends around. Parents can find out a lot about their child’s behavior, thoughts and feelings inside a car. Turn on the radio in a manner that conversations and chatter among friends ca be heard.